Want to be a Better Active Listener? Hear Are 5 Simple Steps

relationships

Jun 6

In a high-tech world, we do a lot of communicating. We text our families to tell them we got to our destination OK; we Snapchat our friends about awkward social encounters; we slide into the DMs of every hot celebrity, as if they’ll notice us. (I’m looking at you, Harry Styles.)

But how well are we listening?

Being an active listener is an essential skill not everyone has. You listen — really listen — to what people have to say, ask questions and learn, all of which makes you a better friend, partner co-worker and person.

Here are five steps to being a better listener.

1. Look Them in the Eye

Let’s face it, the world is full of distractions. You’re chatting with someone, and oh, look. There’s a guy wearing bright neon pants walking across the street. Or you glance at your phone to see that your Aunt Betty has texted you, and now all you can think about is why she is texting you and what did she say.

When you’re having a conversation, give your full attention. That means put your phone down, face yourself in the speaker’s direction and look them in the eye. It says, “I’m fully listening to you,” without saying a word.

2. Don’t Think About What to Say Next

Oftentimes, when talking to another person, we don’t really listen to what they are saying. Why? Because we’re too focused on how to respond, that we forget to actually listen.

If the other person is talking about a sensitive and/or emotional topic, our brains will be like, “What do I say that’ll make them feel better? Oh gosh, what if I say the wrong thing? What if I ruin their life? What if what I say makes them dislike me?”

Then, our anxiety goes into overdrive, as we rehearse what we’re going to say in our heads a million times.

When actively listening, focus on listening to and understanding what the person is saying rather than worry about how to respond. Although it’s easier said than done, this’ll make you more attentive to smaller details, as well as give you peace of mind.

3. Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice

When you’re talking to someone, particularly about a sensitive topic, don’t give your advice. Unless they say, “Can you give me advice on what to do?” or you ask if they want advice and they say yes, I repeat: do not give unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice can sound like:

Person A: I’ve been feeling really tired, unmotivated and numb lately. It’s been hard to get out of bed. I think I might be depressed.
Person B: Have you tried exercising in the morning to boost your energy?

Sounds a bit inconsiderate, right?

When you give unsolicited advice, you give the impression that you’re not listening to what the other person is saying, which will make them feel invalidated and less likely to open up to you again. Although you may have good intentions, it usually makes you look like a bit of a dick.

4. Give Feedback

Maintaining eye contact? Check. Focusing on what they’re saying? Check. What’s next?

Give feedback.

When you’re listening to someone, make sure to give them reassurance that you’re listening and comprehending everything that’s being said. That means nodding your head, saying “Yeah” or “Mmhmm” and reacting appropriately to what they are saying. This’ll make the other person feel more comfortable and open around you.

If you just stare at them without reacting or saying a word, you’ll end up looking creepy.

5. Ask Questions

Asking questions while someone is talking is a must. It shows you’re genuinely interested in what they are saying and want to learn more. By asking questions, you encourage the other person to feel comforted and therefore open up to you even more.

You want to ask questions that:

Clarify what they’re saying
Show you’re listening
Show you’re interested

In particular, if they are talking about an emotional and/or sensitive topic, you want to ask, “What can I do to help?” instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” By being direct, the other person will most likely feel more comfortable and inclined to answer truthfully.

And there you have it! You’re on your way to becoming an A+ active listener.

Like anything, active listening is a skill that takes time and practice to master. Lord knows I’m not a perfect listener 24/7. I’m only human. A human raised on smart technology and a constant stream of new information, nonetheless.

In a noisy world, it’s vital to take a step back and soak in new knowledge by listening to what others have to say. Really listening.

Your friend,
Jane

P.S. Do you have more tips for being a better listener? Let me know in the comments!

Jane Bowden