12 Things Introverts Wish You Understood About Them

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Introverts are like cats; we prefer to spend time alone, you never really know what’s going on inside of our heads (unless you’re Edward Cullen) and, most of all, we’re misunderstood.

As a longtime introvert, I hear it all of the time — “You need to get out of your shell,” “Do you even talk?” “I didn’t think you liked me, because you were quiet.” Although they may seem harmless, comments about my introversion used to make me feel horribly ashamed, insecure and misrepresented. Introverts are more than their quiet exterior, people! (Spoiler alert: most of us aren’t painfully shy, people-hating hermits who’ll hiss if you try to talk to us.)

Here are 12 things us introverts wish you knew about us.

1. Introversion isn’t the same as shyness.

Yes, introverts can be shy. (Lord knows I was shy as heck when I was a kid.) But introverts can also be outgoing and energetic. Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep? They’re both introverts who have to hold conversations all of the time. Being an introvert simply means you’re a quiet person who prefers to spend time alone or in a quiet space, not that you’re afraid to talk.

2. We like being alone.

What’s an introvert’s #1 defining characteristic? We like to be alone. In fact, we need to be alone in order to recharge. It’s like this: when you’re on your phone all day, you’re going to drain the battery, and as the battery inches closer to 1%, your phone is going to slow down. What do you do? You plug it into a charger, plug the charger into a socket and let the recharging commence.

It’s the same with introverts! Simply being around people drains our social battery, and in order to recharge our battery, we need to be alone in a quiet space — a quiet space is like our socket! (For extroverts, being around people is like their socket.) Once we’re charged, we can go back out and socialize, until our social battery runs out and we need to recharge again. It’s a big ole cycle.

3. We like people.

Maybe it’s my resting bitch face (or maybe it’s Maybelline), but a lot of people tend to think I don’t like them or I’m not interested in their life, because I’m not talkative. The thing is, introverts do like people. Many of us have active social lives and meaningful relationships that are full of deep conversations.

The difference is we can’t go out every night and we socialize for hours on end, nor do we love small talk. Even after a five-hour shift, where we were making small talk with a dozen customers, we need to rest. We enjoy our scheduled “me” time, which is why we’ll probably say “no” when you ask us to hang out for the nth night in a row.

4. It makes us self-conscious when you point out how quiet we are.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “You’re quiet,” to me, I’d be a billionaire. Seriously. Jeff Bezos would have nothing on me. (Real talk, it’s disgusting how much money that man has. And yet, he does nothing to help the less fortunate. 🙃)

For real though, don’t tell an introvert they’re quiet. Trust me, we’re already painfully aware of that, as we’ve been trying to fit into an extroverted society for years. Pointing it out is only going to make us self-conscious, and it may even make us feel worse.

5. Being quiet doesn’t mean we’re mad or upset.

When I’m focused on a task, listening to a conversation or simply daydreaming, people often ask me if I’m okay, with a look of concern on their face. Most of the time, I am okay — I’m just quiet!

The thing is, we’re not going to say every thought that pops into our heads; we’ll only speak when we have something of value to say. Otherwise, we’ll be quiet to focus on what we’re doing, while our minds are racing on the inside. Introverts being quiet is nothing to take personally.

6. We don’t express our feelings often.

Chances are, you’re not going to hear us talk about our feelings much. Instead of mushy words, we’ll express our love through our actions, like buying a random gift that reminded us of you or really listening to what you say. If we do want to show our feelings through words, we’ll probably write our thoughts, where we can think about what we want to say before we say it.

7. Group settings can be overwhelming.

Group settings can be full of noise, which can send us into a sensory overload and completely drain our social battery. At parties or any large gathering, don’t be surprised if we’re more quiet than usual, if we need to take a quick break by going to a quiet place or if we need to leave early altogether. For anxious or highly-sensitive introverts, socializing can already be tough, so don’t take it too personally if we decide to dip early.

8. We’re deep thinkers.

Because introverts tend to spend more time alone, we think. A lot. I mean, why do you think I’m a writer? There’s an endless stream of thoughts bouncing in my head all of the time, and writing is my way of letting it flow out like the Nile River. Introverts like to self-reflect, as well as think about the world around them.

9. It might take us awhile to feel comfortable around you.

When we first meet you, we’re not going to feel comfortable about you. It’s nothing that you’re doing to make us uncomfortable, necessarily. We just need quality time with you, before we can feel more at ease, which may take awhile. How long is awhile? Well, that’s tough to say. Heck, there are people I’ve known for years, and I’m only just starting to get comfortable around them. It really depends on you, the introvert themselves and how often you guys talk.

10. You won’t see our real personality right away.

Until we feel comfortable around you, you won’t see our real personality. We might feel reserved and awkward at first. But once we spend quality time with you and have deep conversation — not small talk — our real selves will unravel, which may surprise you.

11. You can talk to us. We will respond.

We’re quiet, but that doesn’t mean we never talk. (I’ve had people ask me, “Do you talk to people one on one?” Spoiler alert: I do talk. What do you think? I’m just going to stare at you like 👁️👄👁️?) The key is to ask us open-ended questions, preferably about topics we care or know about. For example, if you ask me a question about ice cream, I’ll go on for days. But ask me about cars, and that’s when I’ll look at you like 👁️👄👁️.

12. Introverts can be successful and confident too.

In an extroverted world, introverts can feel lost in the noise. We’re taught that in order to be successful, you need to be outgoing, courageous and able to lead a team, all of which tend to be traits that are associated with extroversion, not introversion.

However, introverts can be successful and confident, just as much as extroverts can. In fact, Barack Obama is an introvert. Yes, the former President of the U.S. for eight years was an introvert, as are Steven Spielberg, Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah Winfrey and hundreds of other leaders.

There ya have it! Twelve things us introverts wish you about us that’ll make you begin to understand what it’s like inside of our heads. (Remember: ask us questions to learn more about us!)

To my fellow introverts, understand that there’s nothing wrong with you. Being quiet is a valuable trait that makes us creative innovators, good listeners and deep thinkers, not a trait we need to push ourselves out of. Accept your quiet nature. Make peace with it. Scream it from the rooftops like you’re SpongeBob — “I’m introverted, and I’m proud!”

That’s when you’ll begin to love yourself.

Your friend,
Jane

P.S. Are you an introvert? Comment your experience with introversion below!