A Decade of Self-Reflection: 7 Things I Learned in the 2010s
Sillybandz, the breakup of One Direction and the Jonas Brothers, “Forever Alone” memes — a lot can happen in a decade. It’s crazy to think that 10 years ago, I was chillin’ in sixth grade, believing that zits and breaking up with my Club Penguin boyfriends (yes, boyfriends with an “s”) were the biggest issues I could ever face. Like, wow, that was 10 years ago already? Am I really that old? (My back certainly feels a lot older.)
With everyone talking about their New Year’s resolutions, and as the first month of the new decade wraps up, I can’t help but think about what I’ve learned over the past 10 years. I mean, 10 years is a long time, and a lot has happened. My 21-year-old brain must’ve developed at least a little bit since the start of 2010, right?
So! Being that I love me a bit of spicy self-reflection soup, why not crack open the inner workings of my memory and think about what I learned during the 2010s? Buckle up, kids. It’s going to be a bumpy, bumpy, bumpy ride.
1. Everything Happens for a Reason
Ah yes, fate. ✨ The word itself sounds intimidating and somewhat mystical, but it’s actually one of the most important lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) these past 10 years.
Since 2010, there have been so many times when I’ve felt like everything in my life was going wrong, like the world was secretly conspiring against me no matter what I did, because, well, life just isn’t fair a lot of the time; it can feel a bit like a rollercoaster of drastic highs and lows that overwhelm my brain, cause me to vomit and make me want to never ride a damn rollercoaster ever again.
Unfortunately, being that I can be a bit of a control freak — not in the toxic, unhealthy relationship kind of way, but more like the “wow, everything in my life is a spiraling wreck that I have no control over. Time to develop a series of unhealthy coping mechanisms that give me a false sense of temporary security and totally don’t destroy my mental health“ kind of way — I don’t handle life’s uncertainty very well, especially when I’m already a person who feels internal emotions strongly. You just really never know what’s going to happen ever, and that’s terrifying to me.
However, after drifting apart from childhood friends, going through a breakup, not going on a trip to France and more, what I’ve learned in 10 years is that even when life doesn’t necessarily seem like it’s going in the “right” direction, everything — good and bad — happens for a reason. Why? Well, because I would not be who I am today if these things didn’t happen.
Although it’s strange to admit that I’m thankful for all of the struggles I’ve gone through and will continue to go through (Lord knows life’s a bitch), when I reflect on the moments that I didn’t think I would make it through, I understand it’s through these trials and tribulations that I’ve been able to grow and mature as a person. (Wow, self-awareness and growth. Ya love to see it).
There’s a reason why bad things happen just as there’s a reason why good things happen — I have to learn from these experiences in order to discover more about myself and therefore treat myself and others with more care. Even though I might not always believe it, struggling makes me more aware of what I’m really capable of and how much I have grown as a person. It’s also made me more of a compassionate person who wants to help others not feel like absolute shit, which in turn, makes me feel more fulfilled and purposeful. It’s just a big ‘ole full circle of love and self-love.
Also, although I’m not a fan of rollercoasters (both in real life and metaphorically speaking in terms of “life is a rollercoaster”), I’d much rather live a life that’s full of ups and downs than a life in which I feel indifferent all of the time, because that’s not living — that’s just existing (such a dramatic (but true) quote). As much as I fear life’s uncertainty, I don’t think I’d want to know what was going to happen every day for the rest of my life, because where is the fun in that?
No matter how messy life gets, everything happens for a reason, and everything will be alright in the end.
2. Daily Routines Are Essential
Piggybacking off of that last lesson (classic white person lingo), although there is no real way to control life, there is a way I’ve learned how I can minimize that hectic feeling I get — create a daily routine.
For me, my daily routine involves exercising, getting dressed, going outside and journaling. While I may not follow this exact routine every day, I know myself enough to understand that exercising, socializing with people I genuinely care about/who genuinely care about me and being productive during the day but relaxing at night are things that keep me (somewhat) sane.
However, when I’m at school, I don’t have much of a routine. While I do go to the gym and am productive when I go to class, outside of that, I still struggle on keeping myself busy and, well, not completely crippled by my dark emotions/thoughts — especially on the weekends. The amount of times I’ve completely isolated myself from the outside world by staying in my dorm or house all weekend? Too many to count.
That’s why since the end of last semester, I’ve made it a point to keep a routine that’s similar to what I do at home, like go for a nature walk at a local park, go on a Target run and, of course, wake up in the morning feelin’ like P Diddy. Heck, I’ve even added a ✨ new and shiny ✨ element to my everyday routine — journaling. Let me tell ya — there’s nothing quite like being freshly showered, hopping into bed while wearing pajamas, cranking up that “sad girl hours” playlist and journaling until your hand gets crampy. I live for that shit, man.
But for realz, creating and maintaining (emphasis on “maintaining”) a regular routine is crucial when taking care of your mental health. Your schedule doesn’t have to be exactly the same every day, because as your emotions and life situation changes, your schedule is allowed to change, too. But I do think it’s important to recognize what helps you and what doesn’t, because when you begin to identify what ~healthy~ self-care means to you, then you begin to understand more about yourself and how to be your own best friend.
3. Everything is Temporary
As I enter the inescapable vortex that is “senior year spring semester” of my college career, anxiety about post-graduation life and adulthood has been hitting me in the gut. Hard. I cannot go a day without thinking “wow, this is most likely going to be my last time as a student ever…” which, of course, either leads me to A.) beat myself up for feeling like I’m not making the most of my time left here or B.) when I am having a bit of fun as a student with no real-world responsibilities, I think about how moments like these will someday end, which immediately zaps away that nugget of happiness. We ♡ overthinking.
However, instead of viewing life through a negative “nothing lasts forever or really matters” kind of lens, I’m trying to turn it into a motivator to take things day by day and really live in the moment. I don’t want to let overthinking kill the bits of happiness I have before me, and I instead want to appreciate everything for what it is. I mean, the fact that I’ve been able to even live through these experiences is a blessing itself. Like I said before, I’d rather live these incredible moments and then be sad that they’re over than live a dull life, where I’m just like “meh” when things end.
This “everything is temporary” mantra also applies to emotions. When I’m in a not-so-great place, I tend to get pretty darn hopeless, like I’m treading through a dark void that’ll never, ever end. I think, “Happiness? Who is she? Don’t know her,” because it really feels like I forget what it’s like to be happy. If anything, thinking back to when I was happy only makes me more upset, because I desperately want to go back to how I was before, but it’s like there’s an invisible blockade that’s prohibiting me from feeling okay again.
However, as soon as I’m out of that depressive rut, it’s like the heavens break through, white doves wearing dove-sized top hats and bowties descend from the sky and “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash plays on replay. It’s almost like Nosferatu just flipped the light switch from “depressed, distant and irritable af” Jane to “as moderately happy as a stressed young person in today’s day and age can be” Jane.
What I’ve learned is that emotions, like everything in life, are temporary. That “you’re going to be broken and depressed for the rest of your life, you miserable cumquat” voice inside of your head is wrong. No matter how thicc that depression cloud feels, no emotion is the final state. Ever. You will feel happy again, you will feel love again, you will feel at peace again and you will feel inspired to live again. Yes, you will also feel sad and angry again — there’s no denying that. But through support, working on yourself and time, things will be okay.
4. Who You Surround Yourself With is Very Important
The early 2010s were all about people pleasing and being friends with people even though they made me feel like shit. I mean, it was middle school a.k.a. the center of hell, and kids were raging with hormones and the uncontrollable urge to act like absolute assholes. If it wasn’t full of drama and overwhelming self-hatred that totally doesn’t still affect you to this day, did you even go to middle school?
But, as years have gone by and I’m no longer close friends with people from grade school, I’ve come to realize how much who you surround yourself with really does affect your mental health, and the quality of your friends really does outweigh the quantity.
When I was younger, I stayed friends with people because I feared being alone, even if these people made me feel like dog crap. I figured it was better to be out socializing, where I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts, than to stay home alone and sulk.
Also, because I was in middle school — a time when you desperately care about what others think of you — and social media was starting to become the “norm,” there was a lot of pressure to maintain that “Yes! I have a social life 24/7 and 1,000+ friends on Facebook (as if I could even name 100 people off the top of my head), which means I’m totally likable and cool!” facade. To me, if I wasn’t socializing and posting about it on social media, I was a loser and alone, because I based my self-worth on other people’s perception of me.
As a result, Facebook made me depressed a lot of the time, because I would experience hardcore F.O.M.O. — fear of missing out — when I would see on Facebook that my friends were hanging out and didn’t invited me. I felt isolated and eventually deleted Facebook shortly into eighth grade.
But, now that I’m older, I understand the importance of surrounding myself with people who inspire me to be a better person, who make me feel comfortable and who support me when I’m succeeding and struggling.
I also know that while it might feel a lil’ shitty to be alone when everyone’s going out with their friends, it’s better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone. I’m only damaging myself when I continue relationships with people who do that. Have I had to cut off relationships because of this? H e double hockey sticks yes. Has it been it easy? No way, Jose. Has it been it necessary for my mental health and quality of life? Yessiree.
I understand that as I change, my relationships will change. Not everyone I meet in life is supposed to be there for the remainder of it, and it’s normal for relationships to fade — this happens to everyone, and that’s okay. If the relationship was toxic, then I’ll cherish the lessons I learned from it. If the relationship was good but faded away, I’ll continue to care about the person, value what I learned and appreciate the relationship itself.
All in all, you need to do what’s best for you.
5. Do Things That Scare You
Skydiving out of an airplane, giving a speech in front of a sh*t ton of people, c- c- commitment? Oof, these things make me shudder with fear.
However, since realizing how uncertain and limited life really is, I’ve started to really embrace that YOLO mentality (pretty sure I’m one of the last people on the planet who still uses that term) by doing things that intimidate me, i.e. finally getting a tattoo, being a bit more social and expressing my emotions.
From being more of a “risk taker” (even though I still definitely belong in Weenie Hut Junior), I’ve learned that actually doing the thing that scares me isn’t as scary as the anticipation of having to do it. Yes, expressing my feelings is terrifying as shit, and I don’t think my heart will ever not feel like it’s going to implode when I’m reciting what I’m trying to say in my head — but every time I do manage to overcome that fear and do what scares me, I’m reminded of how a lot of our worries in life aren’t as big as we think.
Like I said before, verbally telling a person I care about how much they mean to me and talking about my negative in-the-moment feelings are equally as hard for me. I find ways around that fear by writing letters and texting. However, there are moments when I just want to be able to say out loud, “Hey, I really, really appreciate you” or “Hey, I’m not doing great” without feeling like I’m having a heart attack. Most of the time, that heart attack feeling wins, and I cannot express how I feel, because I’m either A.) nervous about how they’ll react, as I sometimes fear my emotions can be too strong or B.) I just physically cannot speak.
But as I’ve recently been making more of a conscious effort to be transparent with people, I’ve realized that I want to be able to freely express what’s going on in my head without that fear of being too much and pushing them away. I don’t want to be a watered down version of myself, and if a person cannot handle who I am and how I express my emotions, then that person isn’t meant to be in my life. It’s that simple.
It’s through moments of open communication that I’ve learned how capable I can be. It’s almost like I kind of get a natural high from that feeling of strength, and I want to keep testing the waters of how much I can do.
Now, when I say “do things that scare you,” I’m not saying you need to bungee jump off of a bridge to prove to yourself that you’re more capable than you think. I mean, if you want to do that, then go for it, man. Ain’t no body stopping you.
But I think it is important to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself to do things that might seem intimidating and terrifying at first but later prove to be rewarding. From starting therapy to getting a tattoo you’ve wanted for years, while these things are scary af, you’ll never know what you can do if you don’t try it at least a few times.
6. Self-Acceptance is the First Step to Self-Love
The 2010s was the decade when I felt like self-love became a term that everyone and their mother was preaching about everywhere you looked. Suddenly, the phrase “you have to love yourself before you love other people” was plastered on every poster, self-help book and social media account, and, quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally agree that if you hate yourself and believe you are absolute trash, then maybe you aren’t ready to be in a relationship yet.
However, I think self-acceptance is a lot more important than self-love. To me, self-acceptance means you accept yourself for who you are, what you look like, how you behaved in the past, how you feel now and more, rather than force yourself to be like “I must love myself, gosh darn it!” because that’s just not healthy.
Another way to look at it is like when you’re in a not-so-fun headspace and feel like nothing is working, to the point where you’re yelling at yourself like “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m totally fine” or “Why can’t I just be happy?!” You’re forcing yourself to feel like you need to be happy, and when you don’t feel happy, you feel even more broken on the inside.
However, what you really need to do is not pressure yourself to get better but rather allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. It’s not fun, but you need to accept that you’re not okay and let the emotions run through you before you can really heal and get better.
To me, it’s the same with self-love. When I’m feeling insecure about my appearance or who I am as a person, it’s not healthy for me to be like “But you need to love yourself, girl!” because, well, I don’t love myself, and I don’t want to force myself to feel a certain way when I don’t. Does this mean I’m insecure 24/7? No. Does this mean I’m incapable of feeling confident? No. Does this mean I’ll never love myself? No.
Self-acceptance just means that I accept myself for who I am — the way I look, what my personality is, what’s happened in my past and more. I cannot change who I am, but I can choose to accept myself, be the best human being I can be and let self-love come naturally.
7. How You Talk to Yourself is Vital
Ah, yes, self-deprecating humor. There’s nothing quite as humorous as calling yourself a trash human being as a joke, even though you’re lowkey not joking, just for shits and giggles.
But like a lot of people, when it comes to ~serious~ self-deprecation, I can be a bit hard on myself, especially when I’m going through a depressive episode. I’ll be lying in bed, feeling depressed af with zero energy, and suddenly that inner monologue will be like “Jane, you waste of space. Why are you wasting your day by doing nothing? Quit being lazy af, get your ass out of bed and be productive. It ain’t that hard. Everyone else is doing it with no problem. You’re just weak.” Like yeees, queen. That totally motivates me to take on the day and definitely doesn’t make me feel even worse about myself. 😍
However, through therapy, I’ve learned how much self-talk impacts how I feel. Of course, when I repeatedly tell myself I am a shit person, I’m going to continue to feel like shit and nothing will change. But when I recognize what I’m saying to myself, stop my behavior and try to change the voice inside of my head, I do begin to feel a smidge better. That means saying “I don’t feel okay right now, and that’s okay. This feeling is only temporary. I know I’ve made it through moments like this before, and I know I can do it again.”
In fact, I’ve been loving the quote “treat yourself like someone you love” (perhaps my next tattoo? 🤔), because it’s 110 percent true. When a friend, family member or significant other is going through a rough time, I’m not going to say, “Wow, how dare you not be happy and energetic every second of every day. You’re not reaaally depressed. You’re just making excuses.” Instead, I’m going to be supportive, be there to listen and tell them how much they mean to me — that’s how I’ve been trying to treat myself.
Even when you’re not feeling low, it’s important to gas yourself the f up and be supportive of what you are achieving in life. You really should be proud of yourself for making it through the days you thought you wouldn’t. You are a human being which means you’re capable of success and failure, you’re doing the best that you can and you deserve every bit of happiness.
And there ya have it, folks. A smidge of what 11-year-old Jane to 21-year-old Jane has learned within these past 10 years.
Looking back, I can’t help but be grateful that these really are lessons I feel like I’ve wholeheartedly accepted. I’ll admit it — I might not always believe that emotions are temporary or that everything happens for a reason, nor do I talk to myself in a healthy manner or accept who I am all of the time, especially when I’m struggling.
However, no matter what state I am, I do recognize that these lessons have been true for years, are still true and will remain true as I set forth on a new decade of life. I accept these lessons, as they’ve made me a more understanding person.
Your friend,
Jane
P.S. What have you learned in the last decade? I’d love to know! Let me know in the comments below.